Dad insists 31-year-old immigrant daughter sends him $30000 to repay debt, snubs her and her husband when she refuses: 'I used to send 75% of my salary home to support my family'

While we all know that parents have a large responsibility to their kids, not everybody talks about how things go the other way. When children grow up and their parents get older, there is usually the expectation that they will do their part to help them out if they start to struggle in any way. For many moms and dads, there is the feeling that their kids owe it to them.

Although many adult children are willing to support their parents in a time of need, this isn't always an easy process. On top of that, there are some families out there that see no problem in placing completely unfair or excessive expectations on their kids. Just because children grow up and sometimes start earning decent incomes, does not always mean they are a permanent parental meal ticket. It is a boundary that many struggle to enforce a lot of the time.

Author image for Ally Perry Ally Perry
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  • One woman found herself struggling with this after she finally put her foot down when it came to supporting her dad and other family members financially. Her father had gone into debt to let her go to college, and ever since graduating, she had sent a proportion of her income home to support her family.

    Moving abroad after getting married, she continued to send money to her dad after promising to continue helping out. Eventually, this escalated to her father asking for $30,000 to help repay his debts and fund her sister's wedding.

    The woman refused, causing her father to demand that her husband take out a loan. When this didn't work, he began to disrespect the couple, and so did her family. She wanted to know if she had done something wrong in refusing.

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    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for refusing to give my dad the $30K he says I owe him, even though I’ve supported him monthly for years?

    I (31F) got into a job right after college at 21. I used to send 75% of my salary home to support my family. My father paid for my education by going into debt, and we were three daughters with no male figure to "support" the family as expected in my culture. I was raised to be that person. I got married at 24. It was a love marriage, which is rare in my culture, but shockingly, my father agreed. I had always said I'd support my parents, and I meant it. After marriage, I moved abroad and promise
    via luvmalif
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    For the first four years, I kept my word. Paid for my sister's hostel, their medical bills, and sent a solid amount monthly (around $500-$700, which is significant in my home country). Even when I tried to run a business during CO ID and it failed, I still sent money. I wasn't working, but I found a way. Then my father asked me for $30,000-yes, 30K USD- saying he'd use it to repay his debts and fund my sister's wedding. He said if I gave him that, I wouldn't need to send anything after. But I wa
    via luvmalif
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    Dior Dior
    via Nick Pampoukidis
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    That's when things got worse. He started subtly disrespecting my husband-who, by the way, has been the one sending money for the past 3 years while I dealt with a medical issue. My dad knows this, but still throws passive-aggressive remarks when we visit. He even said once, "I invested in the wrong daughter.” It's been 7 years since I got married, and we have not skipped even one month of sending money-even through job loss, illness, or disrespect. Two years ago, after the insult to my husband,
    via luvmalif
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    Also after I got married, my dad literally stopped working, expecting me to handle the family's entire financial needs. I said I'd support-not replace him. Now I'm financially better, and yes, I could send more. But the emotional trauma, guilt-tripping, and disrespect during my lowest years crushed me. So I stick to the reduced amount. So here I am. Still sending money. Still carrying guilt. Still being accused of being a manipulative daughter who "used" her father just to marry the man she love
    via luvmalif
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    Commenters assured her she had done nothing wrong.

    ccoastmike NTA If you don't have the money you don't have the money. And anyone who tells you to take out debt so they can pay their debts doesn't have your best interest at heart. They're just using you. The idea that you had just graduated and were sending them 75% of your income is just crazy. I know supporting your family is a big part of many cultures but asking your children to live in poverty is just bananas. Wouldn't be surprised if your dad has been really irresponsible with money, has
    via ccoastmike
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    MaterialMonitor6423 NTA. This is absolutely absurd. Cut him off. Your sister can pay for her own wedding. Your father can work and pay his debts. You are starting a life with a good man, and you need to focus your efforts on that as a priority.
    via MaterialMonitor6423
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    R4eth Next time he tells you he invested in the wrong daughter, tell him you invested in the wrong father. Then go nc and cut him off. Nta.
    via R4eth
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    nomad_117 NTA, have you tried totalling the amount that you've sent him/spent on your sisters so far? Maybe let him see the amount so he'd know how short sighted he was
    via nomad_l17
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    luvmalif OP I am gonna do this next time I visit my home, because I know he will subtly disrespect me like how he always does. I just sat and calculated I have given him well over 40000 dollar at this point.
    via luvmalif
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    Certain Pattern_00 I think you need to have a final reckoning and be free of this burden. Your dad said $30k, so use that as the basis. Then calculate everything that you have given him over the years. I calculate that you have paid him well over $42k, so calculate it all up and come up with a random round number depending on how much you have paid already. If you are at $55k+, I would use $60k and say that as a sign of respect and love you will pay the $30k debt twice, which means that you will
    via Certain_Pattern_00
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    lastunicorn76 Stop sending money!
    via lastunicorn76
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    AltruisticLime27 NTA. But do I really need to tell you it's about time to let man he can work!!! Enough is go??? He is grown a enough...
    via AltruisticLime27
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    NTA DJfromNL I understand that within your culture it may not be as easy to say no. But I do believe that it's time to put up some healthy boundaries here. "Dad, we are sending you money every month. We've continued doing that, even when things were really tight, and during periods when I wasn't making any money at all. But it seems like you don't appreciate that. You don't even respect it. And worse, you're not treating me and my husband with respect. If you want to continue receiving a monthly
    via DJfromNL
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    mistermuttley2 To question it his job and expect you to fund him, is just purely selfish. My opinion, but any man with morals would want to earn his own money. He has no right to lecture you, when he is to idle to work himself. You are being kind by still sending him money.
    via mistermuttley2
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    BigBayesian NTA. If your father took on debt for your education with the explicit understanding that this was your debt to pay off, not his, and that further, you owed him a monthly stipend so he could retire, and that further you'd pay a huge lump sum for your sister's wedding, then you'd be shirking on your duties. But you didn't. Because there was no agreement of this sort. There was passive-aggressive manipulation. Here's the thing - you don't owe your family anything but what you feel you o
    via BigBayesian
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    DynkoFrom TheNorth NTA. I figure you've fulfilled your debt by now. Especially if he pressures you again, I'd consider cutting all funding.
    via DynkoFromTheNorth
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    Moder_Svea I think you need to be blunt with your father (even if that is not common in your culture) and remind him of what you've written here: 1. You said you'd support him, not replace him. He needs to work 2. Your husband has been the one sending your father money when you haven't been able to. You will not tolerate disrespect towards him 3. Disrespecting you will not favour him Good luck!
    via Moder_Svea
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    ApprehensiveBook4214 NTA. Create a list of the money you've given him. It's over $30,000 right? Send it to him with the message 'I've already given more than $30,000. Not my fault if you chose to misuse it. As of now you get nothing else.'. Then block and ignore the inevitable temper tantrum people like your dad throw when told no. You need to be saving for your future.
    via ApprehensiveBook4214
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    The_Amazing_Username NTA-stop sending any money and see what they do...
    via The_Amazing_Username
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    NTA. Gnarly_314 If you still have the financial details of all the payments you have made to your father, send him a year by year breakdown to show he has already received more than $30k from you and your husband. When you have been so generous in your mĥonthly payments, it is surprising that he has run up debts and can not afford to pay for your sister's wedding. Are your sisters contributing to the family income as well? Are they as generous as you and your husband? Could you pay for your sist
    via Gnarly_314
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    shontsu Might be time to block dear old dad. NTA. I get theres cultural stuff involved here, but Dads an a and has been treating you and your husband like cr p. At some point you and your husband should get to choose whether this is a cultural norm you agree to continue or not, and your dads attitude can affect that decision.
    via shontsu
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    Ok_Tonight_3703 NTA. How old are your sisters? How long are you expected to support them? You have been supporting your family for 10 years. Your sisters wedding is not your responsibility. She needs to work and fund the wedding that she can afford or you father needs to get a job and pay for it. I personally would stop sending any money but I'm American and refused to be my mother's retirement plan. She was ped and is still bitter but that's not my problem. If you feel obligated just keep sendi
    via Ok_Tonight_3703
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    teen33 I think 10 years is enough. How can you still send money when he keeps saying you are ungrateful? Time to cut him off completely.
    via teen33

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